


I Need You More then Ever

by signpainter1



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Ash Lynx Needs A Hug, Happy Ending, M/M, Mutual Pining, Okumura Eiji Needs a Hug, Parenthood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-12
Updated: 2021-02-17
Packaged: 2021-03-12 05:48:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29380188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/signpainter1/pseuds/signpainter1
Summary: When Eiji's plane crashes down in the Amazon Rainforest, Ash is left alone to raise their five-year-old daughter. Ash still believes Eiji's alive even after everyone gives up on him. Now he has to struggle between raising a daughter by himself and keeping up hope that his long-lost husband will return to him.
Relationships: Ash Lynx/Okumura Eiji
Comments: 7
Kudos: 67





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! Here's another short story. It came out longer than I expected. Like always it is not beta-read so if you see any spelling/grammatical errors that bother you feel free to point them out.

It happened all too fast. One moment he was seeing Eiji off at the airport, the next the news was saying Eiji’s plane had disappeared over the Amazon Rainforest. Ash couldn’t think. He clung the remote in his trembling hands, eyes fixed on the news.

_At, 5:00 this afternoon Flight 179 Alpha’s equipment stopped responding. It is unknown how long they were airborne after that before coming in for an emergency landing. There has been no report yet where they landed or if there were any survivors. Experts say it depends entirely on how well the pilot was able to land the aircraft._

“Daddy?” Miko said tugging on Ash’s sleave. “Can you play with me?” Ash bent down and picked up his five-year-old daughter hugging her tight. She squirmed in his arms, turning looked into his face.

“What’s wrong?”

Ash didn’t answer. He couldn’t. The news held his complete attention. It just could be true. He had just seen Eiji a couple of hours ago. They had kissed and Eiji had promised to call when he got to his hotel. He had turned away smiling and had walked away to the security checkpoint. He and Miko had watched Eiji until he was out of sight. Eiji was going to display his art in a gallery in Brazil. He couldn’t be gone….

“Daddy?”

Ash gave a weak sob and hugged Miko closer. “It’ll be alright. They haven’t confirmed anything yet. It’ll be alright. It’ll be alright. It’ll be alright.” He spoke more for himself than Miko who had no idea what just happened. She sat still in his arms as he repeated himself over and over again, tears running down his face.

It only took a day or so until people started coming over to share their condolences. Ash refused to be comforted.

“They didn’t confirm anything.” He snapped at their neighbors Mrs. and Mr. Tamanaka. The couple eyed each other.

“Okumura-san, the chances of survival-” Ash didn’t let them finish. He slapped the door in their faces. Turning he saw Miko watching him. She looked frightened. Through his frustration, he felt guilty. He hadn’t explained anything to her yet. It was hard and the right words wouldn’t come no matter how much he tried.

“Daddy? “Miko whispered. Ash took a deep breath and opened his mouth. Nothing coming out. Closing it again he put a fake smile on his face.

“Let’s eat dinner.”

It took a month before Miko finally asked Ash where Eiji was. He had picked her up from school that day and, ignoring the sympathetic looks from the parents, headed home. As they rounded the corner to their apartment when she asked

“Where’s papa?”

Ash stopped in his tracks and looked down in surprise. Miko was watching him anxiously as if she expected him to start crying. Ash always waited until after Miko went to sleep to cry in his room alone. Now he realized that there was a chance that Miko had been awake and listening.

“He should be home by now right?” Miko continued. Ash bent down next to her.

“Papa is coming home but it’s going to take a while.” He gently took her small hands. Miko looked up at him and Ash was struck by how much she looked like Eiji. It made sense she did have Eiji’s DNA. They had decided that their child should have at least one biological parent. 

“Some boy in my class said that….” Miko’s eyes watered. “That papa’s gone.”

“That’s not true,” Ash said sharply, then softening his voice he added. “His plane crashed but he’ll be fine. He’s probably fighting his way home even now.” Ash’s mind flashed to when Eiji had broken into Golzine’s party, gun in hand. Eiji was strong. He could make it. “We need to make sure the apartment runs smoothly until he comes home.”

“Really?” Miko sniffed. Ash helped her close.

“Really.”

After a year after the crash, the searches stopped and everyone on board was written off as dead. Ash was beside himself with anger.

“You can’t write them off as dead until you find the plane!” he yelled over the phone. “What kinds of idols are you?” Nothing he did changed anything. Eiji was “officially” dead and his family had a funeral for him. Ash refused to attend. He and Miko stayed home that day and ignored everyone who came by. Around that time Miko started acting up. She started crying and screaming when she didn’t get what she wanted. She was sullen and moody all the time. She even started wetting the bed again. Ash thought she might be sick and brought her to the doctor.

“She’s dealing with a lot of stress. She lost her father and she’s hurting because of it.”

“Eiji’s not dead,” Ash said bluntly. The woman gave him a look.

“Whether he’s alive or not isn’t the problem. He’s not in Miko’s life anymore and it’s hurting her. She should start seeing a therapist.”

Ash left the building in a bad mood. He hated the idea that his daughter had to go to therapy. His daughter wasn’t broken like he was at that age. She shouldn’t need this. Even so, he would do it if it would help. He’d do anything for his girl.

“Dad?” Miko whispered from beside him. “I’m sorry.”

“For what sweety?”

“I tried to be good and wait for papa but it’s hard.” Tears started down her face. “I miss him. I want papa.” Ash stopped and bent over to hold his daughter.

“I miss him to Miko.”

Ash didn’t know if he could take it any longer. Miko’s tantrums were becoming worse. Ash did his best to soothe her, but it was hard. His own nightmares had returned and it felt like he was regressing. He woke almost every night from horrible nightmares. He would see in the shadows Golzine and other’s faces leering at him. Sometimes he would cry out in terror. He knew Miko heard. Ash found himself longing for Eiji’s touch again. It was becoming harder and harder to recall his smile. That was the year Ash took up smoking again.

With his old terrors came a new fear. He was afraid he would become his father. No matter how much he tried, it felt like Miko was pulling away from him. The eight-year-old didn’t want to tell him anything anymore. She was having a hard time making eye contact. Ash found himself wanting Eiji more than ever. Eiji would know what to do. He always had a way of getting through to people. Ash wanted to reach out to people he knew in America. His gang, Max, anyone but he couldn’t. He was afraid that it would turn him back into the person he was. He never wanted to be Lynx again. 

A week after Miko’s ninth birthday she had her worst tantrum yet. Ash had told her to do the dishes and when she didn’t he banned her from watching tv. She had yelled and cried, screaming her displeasure.

“Stop it!” Ash snapped. “Crying isn’t going to change my mind. Do your chores NOW.”

“Shut up!” she screamed. “I don’t want to talk to you. I want papa!” She looked up at Ash with so much anger that he felt his heartbreak. “Papa isn’t mean like you!” With that, she ran into her room and slammed the door. Ash sunk to the floor where he was. He sat there listening to his daughter’s wail. What should he do? Golziine’s face leered from his mind, reminding him that he was just a helpless broke toy. How could he comfort her? He wasn’t good and comforting people. That was always Eiji’s strength.

“Eiji.” He covered his face with his hands. “I can’t do this alone. Please, help me.”

Miko’s therapist was a good woman but Ash could never get comfortable around her. He still had a hard time trust therapists. One day, mouths after that horrible tantrum she pulled him into her office after a session.

“Mr. Okumura I need to talk to you about something important.” She sat down and gesture Ash to do the same. He didn’t budge.

“What?”

“It’s about Miko’s father. He died a couple of years ago. Is that correct?”

“No.” Ash felt that old anger rises in his chest. “He’s not dead. He’s going to come home.”

“That’s the problem.” The therapist said gently. “Miko’s suffering because you won’t let her move on. She’s afraid to bring up her father. She wants to accept his death, but she can’t because you won’t talk to her about it.”

“What do you want me to do,” Ash demanded angrily. “lie to her? Eiji’s alive. She shouldn’t need to accept his death! Eiji’s coming home.” If only she knew Eiji she’d understand. He had too much life in him to die that easily.

When Miko was twelve people stopped whispering about Eiji’s death. They seemed to feel that they had given Ash enough to and no longer needed to be sympathetic. It was a relief. Ash found it easier to talk to them now. He started going to neighborhood parties again. It was something to do other than work and wait for Eiji.

“She’s grown so much.” One of the neighbors, Miss Sato said as they watched the children play.

“Hmm.” Ash cracked a smile. When Miko was happy looked a lot like Eiji. It always brought back memories of her birth. He remembered how he and Eiji had rushed to the hospital when they got the message that Miko was born. He remembered how Eiji held Miko out to him.

_“It’s your child too Ash. You shouldn’t be afraid to hold her.”_

Ash remembered taking the tiny baby in his hands and holding her close while Eiji held both of them.

“I don’t see you around anymore.” Miss Sato continued, and Ash reluctantly returned to the present.

“I’ve been busy,” Ash said lightly.

“You should come shopping with me then!” Miss Sato fluttered her eyelashes. “It’s better than just staying home all the time.” Ash’s smile disappeared. Now he knew what she wanted.

“I’m not interested.”

“Oh, come now.” She huffed. “I know you loved your husband but think of Miko. She needs another parent around.”

“I’m not interested,” Ash said a little louder.

“Please tell me you don’t think Eiji’s…well….” She petered off. “It’s unhealthy.”

“Even if he was dead I wouldn’t date anyone else.” Ash’s eyes flashed. He hated this. He forgot how attractive he was. He almost forgot that adults would look at him that way. Did they think that after seven years he was open game?

All of the sudden he felt eyes staring at him. There were too many single adults at this party. There were too many people who wanted to take advantage of Eiji’s absents. Ash felt sick. He wanted to run away and hide. He couldn’t go back to being an object. Eiji had spoiled him. He had made Ash feel loved and human. He had protected Ash from the hungry eyes that gazed upon him. Ash turned and marched out of the building, dragging a protesting Miko with him.

That was the last time he went to see the neighbors. He went to work and came home. Miko started doing the groceries. She would bring them home and Ash would unpack and start cooking dinner. Ash became paranoid that someone was watching him. It felt like eyes were on him every time he left the apartment. He started staying home more and more.

_You should come with me to Japan. It’s safe there.”_

Eiji was wrong. Japan wasn’t safe. It only felt that way because Eiji made it safe. Eiji could make any place seem beautiful. He wanted Eiji again.

When Miko turned thirteen her tantrums finally stopped. At first, Ash was relieved. She no longer cried or shouted. After a while, however, he noticed that she started acting strange. She came home later and wore unkempt clothes. He finally cornered her when she was trying to sneak out of the apartment at one in the morning. She didn’t hear him approach but practically jumped out of her skin when he turned on the lights.

“Where are you going?” Ash asked crossing his arms.

“Nowhere!” She muttered. “I just wanted to grab a snack.”

“Really? Then why do you have your purse with you.” Ash took a step forward. “Don’t lie to me. Do you think I don’t know what’s going on?”

“Oh please, you’re oblivious to everything around you!” She gave an angry snort. “You barely leave the apartment because you’re afraid the neighbors might flirt with you.” She paused her eyes glinting maliciously. “Maybe you should get laid, it would help you chill.”

“Miko!” Ash grabbed her arm. “We don’t talk like that in this apartment.”

“We don’t talk like anything in this apartment.” Her eyes weld up with tears. “You just sit around moping thinking that _he_ is going to come waltzing home.” She wrenched her arm away. “news flash dad. It’s been eight years. He’s dead.” She made a slicing motion under her neck. “Get over yourself.”

“Go to your room.”

Miko froze a look of surprise and fear on her face. He knew he had talked like Lynx. He spoke in a tone that would scare people twice her age and size. Miko backed up slowly before darting into her room. A small part of Ash wanted to reach out to her, but he couldn’t, not now. Her words hurt so much. He never imagined that she would talk that way about Eiji.

That night she cried herself to sleep. Ash lay awake listening to her. Once the crying died out Ash got up and left. He walked around the town trying to escape himself. When he couldn’t take it anymore he slammed his fists into the nearest wall over and over again. The pain felt nice. In the cold loneliness, he let himself go. He was no longer Aslan. He as only Ash Lynx, the cold killing machine, Golzine’s pride and joy.

_“This isn’t you! Not the you I know! Not the you Shorter or Skip know!”_

Ash paused in mid punch his senses returning to him. What was he doing? If Eiji saw him now he would be disappointed.

“What should I do?” he whispered sinking to the ground. “How do I raise Miko? How do I fight both mine and her demons?” He gave a sob. “Eiji please come home. We need you. This family is going to fall apart. I’m not strong enough, not where it matters.” No one answered. He didn’t expect them to. Finally, after a good hour, he returned home.

After that Miko stopped talking to him altogether. Although he tired to make small talk she avoided him. She would eat the breakfast placed in front of her, mutter her thanks and take off before Ash could sit down with his coffee. She didn’t come home until long past midnight. Ash implemented some rules like “Go to school” and “keep up your grades” but he was afraid to push any farther. Lynx was still inside of him and he didn’t want to make it worse. Eiji had somehow tamed Lynx when they first met but Ash didn’t know if it could reemerge again. He never wanted Miko to know how much a monster her father really was.

Miki entered high school and her behaviors got worse. Ash did his best, but it was hard. His demons followed him wherever he went. All he could do was to keep her feed and healthy. He wanted to be available if she wanted to talk but she never did.

When Miko was sixteen Ash got a phone call from the police at one in the morning.

“Your daughter was found in an abandoned building. We brought her to the station. Please come pick her up.”

Ash rushed there as soon as possible. It didn’t matter that the shadows were following him. It didn’t matter that the neighbor’s light was still on. His daughter was at the station. She was in trouble. He needed to be there for her. All he could picture was his younger self being arrested. It always felt horrible, to have adults against you. He never wanted her to feel that way.

At the station, all the parents got a briefing of what happened. Their children had broken into an abandoned hospital with alcoholic drinks. Then they had decided it would be a good idea to balance on the roof. Someone had called the police and, in their hurry to get away, one teen fell and died. The rest of the teens were brought to the station. They would be charged with breaking and entering and underage drinking. The police assured them that their sentence wouldn’t be too harsh since it was a first-time offense.

“I can’t believe you did that!” Some mother screamed at her sobbing daughter. Ash entered the room surrounded by a sea of tears and loud, stern voices. He floated to the corner where Miko was huddled, face pale and streaked with tears. At that moment Ash knew what to do. It was what he would want adults to do at that age.

“Hey,” Ash said gently. Miko flinched.

“I’m sorry.” She trembled sounding resigned. “I didn’t know that would happen…I didn’t think.” She looked away.

“Did you know the person who died?”

“No, but he just fell…. Why did we think it was a good idea?” She covered her face. Ash took her arm gently and helped her to her feet.

“Let’s talk at home.”

Miko stayed quiet until they arrive at the apartment. Once Ash closed the door and brought her to the living room she burst into tears, sinking to the ground.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” She sobbed shanking. Ash bent down next to her hand hugged her tight. It felt nice to hold her again. She wasn’t the small girl he hugged when she asked about Eiji, but she was still his daughter.

“It’s ok, you made a mistake. We all make those. As long as you learned from them it’s alright.”

“I thought you would be angrier.” She sniffed.

“I’m not happy.” Ash pulled back from the hug. “But I understand. I was there before. I know what you’re going through.”

“You were arrested before?”

“Many times. Trust me I was a mess growing up.” He smiled ruefully. “Live wasn’t easy. Eiji saved me. He was the one who showed me there was light in the world.”

Miko watched him for a few seconds before looking away. Standing up she walked to the couch and sat down.

“When I was little I wished you would just admit papa was dead.” She said holding her arms close to her body. “I hated you for thinking he was alive. It made me feel like I was trapped between what you believed and what everyone else believed.” She took a deep breath. “If you want to believe he’s alive, that’s fine but I can’t. I think he’s dead.”

“And that’s ok.” And it really was. For the first time, Ash could say it without getting defensive. “But I’m going to continue waiting for him.” Miko nodded. “I’m sorry. I haven’t been a great father to you.”

“No.” she shook her head. “You always took care of me even if when you were hurting. I always know you loved me but… I don’t know I just wanted to get away…” she petered off.

“I should have handled it better.” Ash sighed: Eiji would probably be disappointed if he saw me now.”

“He’d more disappointed in me,” Miko said quietly.

“Alright,” Ash said finally. “Let’s make a pack. We’ll both work to try harder. Let’s show Eiji we can still make it.”

For the first time in forever, Miko smiled.

“Alright” She held out her arms and Ash hugged her tight. After a few minutes, she pulled away. “Can we…can we talk about papa? I don’t remember him that much.” Ash mulled it over before sitting down next to her.

“Eiji is…kind and amazing. He’s so full of life that you can’t help but love life as well. Though he can be evil sometimes. He knew how to tease me…he….” Ash’s eyes weld up in tears. “He is also gentle and amazing.” He wiped his tears away. “You should be proud to be his daughter.”

For the rest of the night, they talked about Eiji. When Ash finally got to bed he was not plagued by nightmares.

Miko’s attitude changed greatly after that. True to the cop’s words Miko got off easy and nothing went on her permanent record. She started concentrating on school more and making better friends. In exchange, Ash ventured outside. He still didn’t talk much to the neighbors who were still ogling him, but he made sure to not be home all the time.

Their relationship greatly improved as well. They started cooking meals together, talking and laughing. Ash let Miko put up a small picture of Eiji. It was a tradition that the Japanese did to honor their dead. Although Ash still believed Eiji was alive it was nice to have a picture of him smiling out from the corner of the room. It made him feel like Eiji was there with them, laughing with their jokes and sympathizing with their tears.

Miko’s high school graduation party was a simple one. Other than a few friends and Eiji’s family no one else was there. They had it in a part. Ash cooked the food while Miko danced around with one of her friends. She looked so beautiful, swaying to the music, a little lady. In his eyes, he still saw the little girl that used to sit with him and ask him hundreds of questions. She spun around and for a second Ash saw Eiji at their wedding. He blinked back the tears that threatened to spill. Yep, she was still Eiji’s daughter.

“Food’s ready!” he called, and he was relieved that his voice didn’t crack. Everyone walked as Ash handed out plates.

“Before we start.” One of Miko’s friends said throwing an arm over Miko. “I think _one_ of us should give a speech.” She looked pointedly at Miko. Everyone laughed and Maiko rolled her eyes but put down her plate.

“I would like to thank my friends for their support, especially during the finals.” Her friends all chuckled. “I would also like to thank my dad.” Miko smiled at Ash. “Who was there during the hardest times of my life.” Ash fought back tears. “And….” Miko’s eyes traveled over their heads. Her face suddenly went pale. “Papa?” she whispered.

Ash whipped around. There, standing by the park entrance man with long wild black hair. Despite his strange clothes and heavy boots; despite how toned and muscular he was; despite the long scar on his face and a snake tattoo on his arm, Ash could recognize Eiji.

“Eiji!”

“Papa!”

Ash and Miko ran with all their might to him. Miko got there first. She threw her arms around him crying loudly. Then Ash reached him. He collapsed in Eiji’s arms feeling the warmth that he missed for so long. They stood there, the three of them, a complete family at last. Finally, Miko pulled away, forcing Ash to back up.

“Where were you?” she asked.

“Sorry. It took a while to get back to civilization.” His voice was raspy but still familiar. It was like music to Ash’s ears. He watched as Eiji held Miko out at arm’s length. “You’ve grown so much. I’m sorry that it took me so long.” She sobbed again and buried her head in his chest. Ash wanted to do so as well but held back. Miko deserved to go first.

It took a while for everyone to greet Eiji but finally, after both Miko and Eiji’s family got their fill of Eiji, Ash had him to himself. They sat together hand in hand while Miko talked excitedly with her friend.

“I can’t believe I’m here again.” Eiji finally said leaned his head against Ash’s arm. “In all those years you and Miko were the only things keeping me going.”

“I never gave up hope you were alive.” Ash’s voice broke “No matter what. I couldn’t” Eiji kissed him gently on the forehead.

“I wish I had been there with you.” His eyes were heavy regret. “I wish could spend the last thirteen years laughing and holding you.”

“We can do that now.” Ash pulled him close again. “We still have time. We still have each other.” Eiji hummed in agreement. They went back to watching the teens.

“She’s beautiful,” Eiji muttered. “I hate that I had to miss so much of her life.” He turned his head, so it was pressed against Ash’s chest. “You did an amazing job raising her.”

“I didn’t” Ash’s voice broke as he spoke “I messed up so much. I failed her so many times. I failed myself. I gave in to my own darkness. I didn’t think I could do it without you.”

“But you did.” He kissed Ash’s forehead “I heard her speech. You raised our daughter yourself to be happy and confident. You did an amazing job. You are such a wonderful father Aslan.” Fresh tears streamed down Ash’s face. Leaning in he kissed Eiji gently. Eiji held him close. For the first time in thirteen years, the darkness was nowhere in sight.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! I decided to put part two from Eiji's POV. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Eiji opened his eyes. It took a moment or so for him to remember where he was. He had said goodbye to Miko and Ash. He had boarded the plane….

Eiji sat up. The plane! It had crashed down. As he sat there in stun horror he realized that he was still very much alive, though he couldn’t say the same for about half of the other passengers. Eiji covered his mouth. He was surrounded by people who had been alive only a little while ago. With shaking hands, he unbuckled his seat belt and staggered to his feet. He needed to get out of here. Eiji managed to get to the edge of the plane before he expelled any food in his system. Straightening up again he saw a small group of people huddled near the entrance. They looked just as disheveled and disheartened as he did. Some even were nursing broken bones or were heavily bandaged.

“Is this everyone alive?” Eiji asked arriving at the group. They all looked at him mutely. Finally, one of them nodded.

“Ok what do we do?” he asked. At his question, everyone looked away. Clearly, none of them wanted to take responsibility. That wasn’t good. They couldn’t just sit around doing nothing. They’d all die. Eiji closed his eyes. What would Ash do in this situation? He would take control. Doubt filled Eiji’s mind. He wasn’t Ash, he was just Eiji. He had been more of a burden back in New York City than a help. Could he really lead people? He didn’t have a choice though. No one else looked like they wanted to take control.

“Alright.” He opened his eyes. “We need some people to start gathering food and some people to check to see who else is alive.” A tremor ran through the group. For a second Eiji thought they would ignore him but after a moment people started slowly getting up and staggering back to the plane.

It had been three days since they crashed. Eiji so far was their unofficial leader. He hated it. He didn’t have any more experience than anyone else in leading, but everyone seemed happy that he had taken charge. They left the plane a few days ago and traveled together through the jungle, hoping to find civilization. As each morning started Eiji would check off a tally on a paper he managed to grab from the plane. It was the only thing allowing him to know what day it was. Other than that, the days blended together. They were hot, and the small group was running out of airline food and water bottles. Eiji knew they needed to start scavenging for food soon or else they’d all starve.

The nights were worse. They made small fires and huddled around them. It was during these times Eiji missed Miko and Ash the most. He couldn’t help but wonder what they were doing. He had no doubt that Miko would be fine. Ash was an amazing father and would do anything in his power to protect her. It was Ash who Eiji was worried about. After everything he went through it would hurt him terribly to lose someone else he was close to. It was Ash’s face that appeared in his dreams, pale and tears stricken. Eiji started waking in the nights trembling and wanting more than ever to hold his husband tight.

It was at the end of their first week when someone died. They had been experimenting with different plants and someone ate something lethal. Gagging and crying Eiji watched helplessly as the man died. Then the next day they lost two more people to a jaguar attack. They only escaped because it stopped to eat the bodies. Eiji was shaken up. He had no idea how to survive such a horrible situation.

The evening they decided to make weapons in case of another attack. Their first few attempts were poor but as the night rolled on they finally made weapons strong enough to hunt and protect themselves with. Eiji thought he would fall right asleep after such a long day but instead, he was up most of the night. The faces of those who died kept appearing in his mind. He could have saved them. He could have been a better leader. If Ash was here instead of him those people were less likely to die. Eiji covered his face with a hand trying to hold back tears.

“Ash, please, what do I do? I can’t lead these people. I can’t do this alone.” It was Ash who was the strong one not him. He was just a weak bunny who survived because stronger forces decided to take care of him. He couldn’t do this.

Sometime during the second week, Eiji lost the paper that he had been using to keep track of the days. He had no idea where it went. Losing it was a huge blow to him. When he knew how long it had been he could guess what Ash was doing or what day it was. Now with days melding together seamlessly. He had no idea anymore how long he had been here. The only way he could track time was with the growth of his hair and how he was slowly adjusting to life in the amazon.

“Eiji we need to talk.” Eiji looked up to see one of the men, Veer crouching in front of him. “Some of us have been talking and we think we should stay in one place and try to alert any passing planes.

“And I think that’s a terrible idea.” Jack piped in. “We need to keep moving!”

“We’ll just get picked off!” Veer roared. “Like we have been.”

“So, sitting in one place is better?” Jack snarled. “I’m sure nothing would find us then.” Soon the fight was picked up by other people taking sides.

“Enough!” Eiji snapped and everyone fell quiet. “We’ll vote. Those who want to stay behind may do so. Those who want to head onwards may follow me. Understand?” There must have been something in his voice because no one challenged him. Instead, they muttered their agreement and sat back down.

After discussing it, about half of the ground decided to stay behind. Eiji hated leaving them but he didn’t actually know which idea was better. All he knew was that he couldn’t wait around. He needed to see his family again. It was that thought that helped him start walking away from the small group that was left behind.

The day Eiji realized that he was completely adjusted to life in the jungle was the day he almost broke down. He no longer longed for a soft bed and modern food. His mind had accepted that this was how he was going to live from now on. With this realization came the horrible thought that if enough time had passed then maybe Ash had moved on without him. Suddenly he pictured Ash snuggled up with another man. He heard Miko calling that man papa. It hurt so badly. He wanted them to be happy, but he didn’t want to be forgotten or replaced. He was alive and fighting. As time continued to pass he started wondering if they would even be happy to see him anymore. Would his appearance make everything awkward? Would Ash be forced to decide between his new husband and Eiji? Truthfully Eiji didn’t know who Ash would choose. There was a very good chance that whoever he found was better than Eiji and Ash would rather him than a broken shadow of his former husband. Eiji hated how his mind dwelled on this but there was little else to do than think and survive.

Eiji was sick, really sick. It started when a member of their group suddenly came down with a fever. By that night more cases appeared. Soon half the group was sick, lying in piles of leaves coughing and gasping for breath. Eiji knew without oping his eyes that the woman next to him had died. He no longer heard her rasping breath. In the past this news would have alarmed him, now he was too deadened to care. Eiji wondered if he would die soon as well. In his mind’s eye, he saw Ash’s gentle smile. How Eiji would love to see him one more time. He wanted to hold Ash to kiss him. He wanted to hear Ash tell him how wonderful he was. He wanted to hear Miko’s little voice calling “Papa!” once again.

But what was the point if they have moved on? He was sick and probably dying here. Fighting sounded exhausting. If his returning only caused everyone discomfort then why bother returning at all? Maybe he should just let go and let the jungle lullaby him into an internal sleep. Eiji closed his eyes. He had to make a decision and fast. If he was going to fight this he needed to know what he was fighting for.

_“I want to see Ash and Miko again. Even if Ash had found someone better. Even if Miko doesn’t recognize me. I will see them one more time.”_

Eiji’s clenched his fist. That’s right. He could fight for that. Even if they never knew he returned he would gaze upon his family and drink them in. If another man had replaced him he would silently thank the man for making Ash happy. No matter what he would do that.

With his newfound strength, Eiji fought for all his worth and somehow, miraculously recover. He was one of the few who did. They left many dead comrades behind as they continued their journey. For the few survivors, there had been a price. Many of them had lost their voice. Eiji hadn’t lost his, but he now had a rasp that never seemed to go away. Jack teased him saying he sounded like he smoked a six-pack a day.

Everyone knew that the small group of strangers they found were up to no good. Even so it was nice to have three meals a day and a tent to sleep in. They sat with the group around a roaring fire and told their story. The men told them they could travel together but they had to help them carry bags with them. They weren’t allowed to open the bags to see what was inside. It was all very suspicious, but no one really cared. The men supplied food, medicine, shelter, clean water, and protection. It was enough to make them turn a blind eye to the content of the bags.

“Hey what’s ya staring at?” A large man growled at Eiji. Eiji blinked up at him. He had been zoned out again thinking about Ash and not really noticing where he was looking. The man didn’t look like he was going to believe that so Eiji finished around for something to say.

“I just noticed your tattoo.” He nodded towards the long snake tattoo that was twisted around his neck and down his torso. The man smiled.

“What me to give you one?”

Any other time Eiji would have quickly backed down. There was still a stigma against tattoos in Japan and he never thought of getting one before. Right now, however, he wasn’t in Japan. He was in the middle of a Rain Forest. He liked the idea of a snake tattooed around his arm. He wanted to be like a one, cold and calculating, able to survey anything and take out any prey.

“Sure.” He smiled rolling up his sleeve.

Eiji rushed through the jungle ignoring the pain in his face, neck, and shoulder. His heart was hammering as he broke through the undergrowth. He had just killed a man in cold blood. The light dying in the man’s eyes seemed to follow Eiji as he charged through the undergrowth. He had used a gun to shoot before in New York but never actually hit a target. If he did he never got to see their face when they died. It was different this time. He stuck his knife straight through the man and watched him fall. Bleakly he wondered if this was how Ash felt. Taking another human’s life, even in self-defense hurt. No wonder Ash felt he was so broke for so long.

“Eiji!” A voice called from a clump of trees. Turning his attention, he saw Jack, and three other people huddled together. He recognized one of them as the women who was a fight attended named Mai Ling and the other two as the newlywed couple Yumi and Yuki. Eiji sank down behind the trees.

“You’re a mess,” Jack said handing Eiji a cloth.

“It’s not deep,” Eiji said pressing it against his face and neck.

“What happened back there?” Mai Ling asked

“Some idiot opened one of the bags,” Eiji said panting slightly. “Big surprise there were illegal drugs inside.

“So that’s why they suddenly attacked us,” Yuki said weakly. He didn’t look so good. His leg was heavily bandaged, and he was pale.

“Yeah.” He should have known it was going too well. They were going to break off from the group of strangers soon anyway and head in a completely different direction. The goal was to make sure they weren’t followed by the men in case they decided Eiji and his group had to die. It didn’t work out that way. With one idiot decision, they were suddenly turned on. Eiji barely got away after killing the man who tried to throttle him.

“Where’s everyone else.”

“No idea.” Mai Ling said. “We barely got out alive.”

“We can’t wait for them,” Eiji said straightening up. “Those men are stronger than us. If we’re caught we’re all dead. I say we start moving again. If anyone else escaped they’re on their own.” Everyone mumbled their agreement and got up. To Eiji’s horror, he saw that Yuki couldn’t stand on his own. Yumi propped him up and helped him down the path.

Life got difficult after that. They were constantly on alert for any signs of human footsteps. Twice more they ran into the men and Eiji was forced to take another human life. He was sick of being in charge. Somedays he just wanted to curl up and die. Enough time had passed that any lingering illusion that Ash was still waiting for him was long gone.

Eiji didn’t know when he stopped remembering what civilization looked like. All he knew was at this point the jungle felt like it was always his home. The men who had hunted them seemed like a distant memory. Ash and Miko seemed like another lifetime. He spent days traveling with his little group. Mai-Ling turned out to have a knack for sensing danger and finding edible plants. Yumi and Jack were good fighters and could help carry a lot of their food. The biggest problem was Yuki. He was already pretty weak and after being stabbed had a terrible limp in one leg. Eiji knew the only reason he was still alive was that Yumi practically carried him all the way. She was fierce and refused to let him fall. Eiji did his best to help and ignore the other two’s grumbling. He couldn’t help but see himself in Yuki. How many times did he fall only to have Ash carrying him? He knew how it felt to be a burden, so he did his best to compromise.

Eiji stared out over the small town. It felt surreal. In front of him were people living their day-to-day lives. Behind him was the unforgiving wilderness that felt more like home. Once they entered the town it wasn’t long until they got help from the authorities who sent them to the capital of Brazil. There they were told it had been thirteen years. Eiji couldn’t believe it. His daughter was now eighteen. There was no way anyone actually thought he was still alive.

Somehow Eiji found himself in a hotel. The bed felt too soft and the food hurt his stomach. A part of him longed for the outside again. Eiji fought to keep that down. He only wanted the wilderness because he was afraid. Now that he was back in civilization, the prospect of seeing Ash and Miko was more real and daunting than ever. Eiji needed a way too distracting himself. Looking around he decided to take a bath.

Eiji had forgotten how nice it was just to soak in water. He took his time cleaning every inch of his rough skin. Soon the water was dark with dirt and grime. As he got out of the tub his reflection caught his attention. He barely looked like himself. With a scar on his face, tattoo on his arm, unkempt hair, and his new muscles he looked like a wild man. If Ash saw him know he would never recognize him as his Eiji. No Eiji was no longer anyone’s Eiji. He was a broke wild version of himself. For the first time in forever, he allowed himself to weep for all he had lost during those horrible thirteen years.

If he thought seeing his reflection was bad it was nothing on the plane ride back to Japan. Not only did it terrify him to be back in the air but every second he thought of the two people he would see again. In the jungle, he told himself that it was alright if Ash remarried. Now however the thought of seeing Ash in the arms of another man would break him more than anything in the rain forest could. His heart felt like it was going to burst as the plane descended into Japan.

“They’re not here,” Sato-san said glaring at him. Eiji had almost not recognized the woman. She was much older now but still held herself in that prideful manner. Eiji looked back at his own front door which he was debating whether to knock or not.

“Where are they?” he asked. Sato-san winced at his gruff voice.

“Who are you to them?” she demanded. “Okumura doesn’t like people coming to his apartment unannounced.”

“I’m Okumura Eiji.” It made sense that she didn’t recognize him, but it was still hard to hear. He knew Sato san since Elementary school. If she didn’t recognize him then what chances did Ash and Miko have?

“What?” she took a step back. “That’s impossible he’s dead.” She looked him over again suspiciously “You look nothing like him.” He winced at her words.

“Just tell me where my husband and child are, please.”

She watched him for a few more minutes, uncertainly. “At the park.” She finally said. “It’s Miko’s high school graduation.”

“Thank you.” Eiji started off down the street. Miko’s graduation. She was already an adult. Eiji had really missed everything.

Eiji stopped at the gate of the park. There was Miko, dancing with some friends. She was so beautiful he could barely stand it. Then he saw Ash who was busy cooking dinner. Eiji’s heart stopped. Ash looked like an angel. He was practically growling with light. Eiji feasted his eyes on him. The love of his life was only a few feet away from him. He wanted to run to him but held back. Ash would react poorly if Eiji did that. From Sato-san’s reaction, Eiji doubted Ash would remember him at all. Eiji scanned around. He saw his sister and mother but no other man. Maybe Ash didn’t get remarried? Eiji highly doubted that. Ash was amazing in so many ways. What man wouldn’t want to marry and love him with all their being? No, Ash’s new husband was probably getting something or still at work.

Regret filled Eiji’s heart. He shouldn’t have come here. Eiji was turning away when suddenly Miko’s voice rang through the park.

“I would like to thank my friends for their support, especially during the finals.” Eiji turned again. Miko was giving some sort of speech. Her voice sounded heavenly to Eiji’s ears. “I would also like to thank my dad.” Miko smiled at Ash. “Who was there during the hardest times of my life.” Eiji smiled faintly. Ash had done a wonderful job of raising their daughter. If Eiji had been any stronger he would have been able to return sooner. “And….” Miko glanced up and suddenly saw Eiji standing there. Eiji’s heart started pounding as all the color drained from her face. He couldn’t hear her next words but could read them off her lips.

“Papa?”

She recognized him. Even after all this time, she knew it was him. Ash whipped around in his seat. Their eyes met and for a second Ash took him in. Eiji wondered what he saw. He was afraid that Ash would look disappointed or confused but instead, his eyes lit up. There was so much love in them that Eiji felt consumed by it.

“EIJI”

“PAPA!”

They were running towards him. Running with all their might. Eiji held out his arms as first Miko then Ash collided with him. He was engulfed by their love, so strong that it wiped the terrors of the last thirteen years away. He could hold them forever. His family made whole again.

Later Ash and Eiji were sitting together while Miko was talking to her friends. It felt so surreal that Eiji almost thought it was a dream.

“I can’t believe I’m here again.” Eiji leaned his head against Ash’s arm. How long had he wanted to do that “In all those years you and Miko were the only things keeping me going.”

“I never gave up hope you were alive.” Ash’s voice broke “No matter what. I couldn’t” Eiji’s heart soared at those words. Ash had kept on believing him. He hadn’t replaced Eiji at all. Eiji wanted to cry and cling onto Ash. His fight hadn’t been worthless. He got what he wanted. Eiji leaned in and kissed Ash gently on the forehead.

“I wish I had been there with you.” Everything that he missed was really starting to sink in. “I wish could spend the last thirteen years laughing and holding you.”

“We can do that now.” Ash pulled him close again. “We still have time. We still have each other.” Eiji hummed in agreement as he snuggled against Ash again. They still had time. They still have the rest of their life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you liked it feel free to leave a Kudo or a comment!

**Author's Note:**

> Annnd that's it! I hope you enjoyed it. I couldn't leave the boys to suffer so happy endings all around! I would love to hear your thoughts on this story so if you feel up to it please leave a review. :D


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